Sometimes we speak and what comes out of our mouths has nothing to do with why we are speaking and how we are feeling at the time. Sometimes we speak without thinking. Sometimes speaking does the opposite of what we intend.
It had been simmering for weeks. First the questions, then the rumors, then their eyes. There had been coldness, divisiveness and bitter talk. I was sunny all the while. I love travel, I love my friends, and I had felt sure that this was an opportunity for laughter and fun, not a continuation of what we left behind. I considered it a fresh start. I quickly saw my hopes dashed and what I saw was 10 days of nastiness and games ruining what could have been amazing.
You should know that because of my past, I actually avoid arguments and strife. I am usually the first to step away from situations where there is a chance for things to get out of control. In my own way, what I wanted was to put an end to what was simmering. I thought that by confronting it, we could lay it to rest. I admit, I did not succeed.
I succeeded in hurting people who mean the most to me, people who had no part in what took place. I wish to be more succesful in my words being true to my feelings. I wish to use words to do exactly what I want them to - to represent what is loving, accepting, open and giving about me - letting go of what is damaged and still incomplete...