She said to me: thank you for setting back the women's and civil rights movement 100 years. I thought about that and about the women; amazing women, powerful women, inspiring women who are all, every day, making a difference and moving us forward. I would not dare think myself capable of having enough impact to undo any of their hard work.
What did have impact was my life with Emma. My mother did always give us the best. She always kept a nice home, and she always had us in nice clothes. She also liked to drink and get high and she liked to gamble. She and my step father would stay out late and if they won, they were happy. That was a good day. They would wake us up and take us to IHOP to eat. But if they lost, they would quarrel. And quarrels would sometimes lead to fights. Things would escalate quickly, and the reasons for why could be as simple as: she told him not to cook her steak.
In the early hours of that morning they had started quarreling even before they got home. She wanted to stay out and drink, he was ready to come home. Once home, the quarreling continued. He was hungry and wanted to eat. She did not want him to make the steak. He did anyway. And when the steak was cooking and he got in to the shower, she went after him...
Eventually, I was taken away from my mother and the chaos that was our lives. But the impact of those details, of the events that were a part of my life, that stayed. It stayed even after I left home, after 7 foster homes, after becoming independent and finding my way in the world.
The impact of my earlier life is the wounds that have not fully healed. For those, I still need time and still need to do more work to not expose them. If I continue to work on me, maybe you will see how much I want to move forward, not that I want to set us back...